Falling upwards...

1333 days we were together. Such a short time, but so much shared.

You all know the impact my Billy had on me. And how we changed each other’s lives. You all know (or do you?) that taking care of him was a peak experience in my life, the ultimate privilege. Walking with him along that road, and sometimes walking it alone, afforded me some of the most incredible, intense, glorious, devastating, and gloriously devastating moments I have ever lived through. I wouldn’t change any of it, and many times I wish I could go back and relive it, or just be back there when he was living and breathing and his beautiful heart was beating so near to mine. But of course, we can never go back.

It’s hard to let go. It’s so hard to leave behind someone precious and continue to move forward into life. Many times I haven’t wanted to do that. Each day takes me further away from him, and now I have arrived at THIS day… 1333 since he died. From now, I will have been WITHOUT him longer than I was WITH him. Such a bittersweetness. I know that he is happy for me to keep progressing and moving forward into whatever my life has in store. I know that he is always with me, and that he loved me like he loved no other. Same same.

So today, I remove the wedding ring he placed on my finger on that magical, mystical, miraculous June day in 2019, knowing that this is the right thing to do. The ring is only a symbol; Billy will live inside my heart as long as it still beats. He lives in the hearts of all those who loved and knew him. He lives in the photographs and mementos we have of him, and if I ever get to write that book, a greater portion of the world will get to know him too!

I’ve wandered that path of grief, with its sidetracks, and dead-ends, and soft grass and massive rocks and storm clouds, and brilliant sunshine. Grief brings all of this, and I know now that there is no “getting over it”, or “even getting through it” because it isn’t an “it”… it’s just LIFE. My life now includes and embraces my grief. I wouldn’t have it any other way. We are all destined to lose those we love…

And so, dear reader, I urge you; treasure everything, and every moment. Nothing is promised to us.

Celebrate and welcome whatever comes your way, because we have no idea where it will lead us, what gifts it has for us, and how it can shape and impact our lives.

This will be my last post. I will close this chapter of my grief-walking and move with optimism and joyful hope into whatever comes next, taking all the tender pain and gratitude and love with me.

Thank you for following my journey on this platform. It has really been so helpful to have the opportunity to share my story with you.

Here is a playlist you might want to listen to, as a favour, to both of us.

For the next 44mins and 37 secs, allow us to take you on a little ride through who we were. Some of the songs are those we performed together, telling our story as art imitating life, and some are songs that have found their way to me over the past 1333 days. (I recommend you get a good translation of the Korean songs- it will be worthwhile

Stay a while and listen, will you?

SPOTIFY

DNA:

At first sight, I could recognize you

As if we were calling for each other

The DNA in my blood vessels tell me

That it's you I was looking all over for

Our meeting is like a mathematical formula

Commandments of religion, providence of the universe

The evidence of destiny given to me

You're the source of my dream, take it, take it

My hand reaching out to you is my chosen fate