JUNE 7TH. 2019
Three years on.. and sometimes it just still feels like yesterday. What a day it was!
We knew time was limited.. we didn’t know by just how much until suddenly he was no longer talking to me, to us.
The grief gurus often talk about how, even though someone is physically gone, the relationship continues. I have found this to be true. Billy and I talk often. Sometimes I’m not sure what he’s going to say, sometimes I can’t hear him. Maybe he’s busy with his own adventures.
I miss him more than ever, and sometimes it just wrecks me that he’s not here. The time passing can even make it harder – I hate that it’s now three years since I held his hand and felt the warmth of his physical presence, his enveloping, comforting, all-encompassing embrace; since we laughed and cried together as the sun came up.
I find it hard to not imagine what might have happened if he’d stuck around. I’m lost in “what ifs” and “if only's” – the frustration of having come to June 7th, 2019, in my opinion, too late. I know the mature thing to do is to say that everything happens at the right time and in the perfect way, but – Damn! I wanted more; more of him, more time together, more intimate moments, more permission to be what we finally became. We had so little time in the end and I feel cheated in so many ways. Don’t get me wrong.. this takes nothing away from the overwhelming gratitude I continue to feel for having known and loved him at all. These two things can stand in the same space.
Grief and gratitude, solace and desolation. Loss has imprinted on me and I will never be the same because of having loved him and lost him.
Do I sound like a broken record? Maybe. Probably. Is that part of it? I don’t tell our story often enough these days.. it’s no longer “news” and has receded into the background in others’ lives. For me, it’s a daily proposition. I look at the ring on my finger and I’m filled with so many emotions – happiness, rage, loneliness, unspeakable sadness, overwhelming gratitude and love that was fierce and all-consuming, as big as the sky and as deep as the ocean.
Part of my heart will always belong to him and I am forever changed by what we shared and experienced together. I guess I’d better go and write that book!
I will leave you with this song. Read the words, sit and listen, and weep with me today.. .
“How could I know One day I'd wake up feeling more But I had already reached the shore Guess we were ships in the night”
I wish you could have stayed out on the ocean with me for just a little while longer….
