Bill and I used to always make mention of the full moon; either by a simple "Moon!" text or staring in wonder together at this amazing sight. We both had a front-row seat to its rising every month, from our front decks, only a few hundred meters from each other. He died as the full moon was hanging high in the night sky, so it is a regular "memento mori" for me, of his death, and one day, of mine. The months pass, and I notice that though life has settled, and it's now almost 9 months since he took his leave, his absence hangs around my neck like a .... like a what? A stone? A pendant? A watch? A medal? Perhaps it is all of these things..
I admit I expected this to be different. How could I know what it would be like without having been here before? I find it so easy to fall back into sadness and longing and a bone-deep missing of him; I hear a song or see a video of us performing, or listen to a music file of his guitar playing, or simply see a photo of him and it breaks over me like a wave. Even writing this blog brings fresh bouts of sorrow I can't even put into words. I guess that's what I get for being the ocean! But I get it now... the madness of anyone talking about "moving on" or "getting over it" or "closure".. there will be none of those things. This work (and it is a labour of sorts) is about learning how to be in the world, to find joy in the simple things, the small moments, and to truly appreciate all the moments I am given.
I'm really struggling with the awareness of needing to find a better way to integrate his loss into my life. I straddle two worlds; of wanting to just curl up and get lost in memory and reminiscence, and knowing I have a life to live and to get on with, to be able to function and grow and serve as before, without harming myself in the process.
Am I saying anything new? Or is this also part of it? A repetition.. to convince myself of where I am and where he is? To tell my story over and over.. Am I boring you?! Am I boring myself?!! I ask that you bear with me, and give me time. And while you're at it, give it to yourself, because I don't' really know anyone who isn't grieving some sort of loss; and loss comes in so many ways. It's really an inextricable part of living and yet we single out the grieving as if we don't know what they're going through. We do. We do know. Next time you encounter someone who wears their loss in a public way, just connect with what unites them to you and share a silent moment of understanding. We really are all in this together. I invite you to take a moment to reflect on where you are grieving a loss - and take a deep breath of compassion for yourself.
Many times over the past few months I have brought to mind the scene from one of my favourite movies of all time, Truly Madly Deeply (Alan Rickman.. am I right?! <3 )
...."forgive me. If you no longer live, if you, beloved, my love, if you have died, all the leaves will fall on my breast, it will rain on my soul night and day, .....and my feet will want to walk to where you are sleeping, but I shall go on living.."
I inhabit two worlds.. I do not know if it will ever be any different. I think the borderline is close, it is sheer, and sometimes there's a whopping great tear in it. I go on, curious to see if it will mend or whether it even should.
Love you all. xxx