The past couple of months have been a bit tough, I'll admit. Now that the first year of mourning is completed, what's next? I feel somewhat adrift in the grief ocean, bobbing about with other marginal souls, not sure how to be in this new uncharted territory. "You're back to normal now, surely?".. I can feel the inference, as life and people and work and the daily routine just keep going on. But I truly understand now that there is no getting "back to". Each day brings something new, and life is forever changed.
I know I'm not the only one who has felt this, and my heart breaks for all those who I have imposed this "surely" mentality on through the years. I know now that I'll never stop missing my Billy, and just wishing to God that he was still here.
And this brings me to reflecting on and imagining what we'd be doing if he WAS still here, which in turn leads me to ponder all the things I/we wanted to do but never got the chance to... to pack up and tootle around Australia in a motorhome, to make more music, to just hang out together.. We got married just 10 short days before he died.. nowhere near enough time to be in that new space. I'm left with the constant regret that we didn't get to that point sooner. (Yes I know... everything is divine timing, it was exactly as it should have been.. blah blah blah..!.. but .......NOOOOOOOO!) Those last few weeks were among the sweetest we ever had, and not nearly long enough. Once the habitual patterns of protection were dropped, we got to a place of pure love, and it's this that I still yearn for. This is where my grief lies.
What a lot of wasted time holding out, holding in, holding away.
If I can influence you in any way, remember that we are only here for a short time. You can't mess it up because there is no right way. The only thing that matters is love and connection and "living like you were dying".
(Apologies for the country cheese, but it works!)
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