If this is it...

Updated: Jun 17, 2020

June 7th, 2020. One year on.

June 7th 2019.

The blog today finds me a little misty-eyed and reminiscent. 12 months ago today, Billy and I got married.

At the time, it was a very private affair. No-one was told aside from the necessary people; celebrant, witnesses, photographer, transport crew, and cousins who just happened to be visiting!

If you would like, I’m inviting you to spend a little time to honour this occasion. It will only take about 30 mins of your day. I will be getting vulnerable too, so advance warning there.

I hope you can join me. Grab a box of tissues. ;-)

I think the best characterization of our relationship is to say that we were soul mates. I mean this in a more advanced understanding of the word; I believe that we all come here with certain agreements in place and that we have all been here before, and we have all met before. How we show up in each lifetime is different, how we relate will be different too. But almost as soon as Bill and I met, it was like we were old friends just getting to know each other. I know you’ve all had that experience in one form or other – someone you just met but you feel like you’ve known them forever?

Like magnets, we were drawn to each other, and nothing that came our way ever seemed to threaten us being separated. (I hope this isn’t too far out there for ya, but this is my take on it, so there!)

We just couldn’t help loving being together. Neither of us could believe how lucky we were to find a like mind in such a small town, and our music-making opened up new frontiers for both of us. We would spend hours and hours in earnest discussion about life, the universe and everything. Our friendship was built on mutual respect and love and a deep appreciation and regard for who the other was. And we laughed. And laughed. My god, we had fun. And the thing that surprised me the most was that we were from very different backgrounds and hugely different experiences. Over the three years, 7 months and 25 days that we were together, we went on a rollercoaster of ups and downs of intensity and trivia, happiness and deep sorrow, and touched each other deeply and profoundly. He consistently eschewed any romantic involvement (though there was a short while, in case you’re all wondering, that we did explore this ;-) )

Supporting him throughout his experiences of grappling with Melanoma, with Epilepsy, and with open-eyed dying, was a truly sacred path for me, for us. Caring for him as his condition deteriorated was the most rewarding, profound and difficult undertaking of my life and I remain eternally grateful that I had been given such an opportunity in my lifetime.

Joining in marriage I think was a truly selfless act on Bill’s behalf and marked a profound occasion in his life where he was willing to go against everything he had taught himself and built up to protect his own autonomy, and allow love to come in, in a way he couldn’t have predicted. As I’ve said before, it was as if we decided to get married and then he fell in love, fell INTO love. His wedding vows I think attest to that. The week it took for me to arrange the wedding was one of the best weeks either of us had ever had, only rivaled by the week we spent in Melbourne after his brain surgery, after which he stated that he would go through it all again to if it would make me happy. This is certainly not to say that we didn't have some very tough times; times I felt so alone and alienated from him, times of great anguish, and oh the tears I cried over him! But never through all that did either of us ever consider not continuing our connection - we both understood that we were bonded, for better or worse. That is why I think it was so fitting in the end to get married, as it was a declaration of what we were to each other in truth.

We taught each other so much about love; what it is, what it isn’t, how it can show up in the most unexpected ways, and places..

It was really only after he died that I could see more clearly that we had somehow fulfilled a divine contract; he came to Mt Beauty to find me, and to complete our ‘mission’. And we did a bloody good job! So many times over the past year I have wished that he had “come to his senses” a bit earlier and opened up to a closer joining of hearts instead of waiting until he was almost out of here! But, I remind myself that all is well, and who am I to question the divine order of things?!

So, as I sit in the car looking over at the spot where we got married one year ago, I am filled with mourning, joy, reminiscing .. my heart is full. I feel the absence of him so keenly today, but at the same time, I’m overwhelmed with gratitude that I was lucky enough to meet my mate, to love him and spend time with him, to laugh with him, cry with him, break my heart over him, take care of him and marry him. I am forever changed. I loved him endlessly and immensely and fiercely, and I still do.

Firstly, will you take 4 mins and sit and listen to this song? It is the song that was played to begin the ceremony. (Mobile users should find the tracks at the bottom of the post)

Then take the 9 mins or so to watch this video. I have included our wedding vows. At about 5.10, it moves into a photo montage. NB: If music does not begin to play at 5.10, click on the link below and watch them together. I’m not certain that the music will show up due to issues of copyright.

The song is “If this is it” by Newton Faulkner.

Songwriters: Adam Stuart Argyle / Newton Faulkner

If this is it lyrics © Peermusic Publishing

Thanks for coming to our wedding, even if it is one year late. <3

If I have any advice to give, it’s this; be vigilant for love and try not to cling too tightly to your firmly held beliefs. They may be blocking you from something extraordinary.